I wasn’t going to write tonight, after spending a lot of time editing another post, but then I decided to search up posts about cancer–having a lot on my mind–and I found this title below:
“Cancer Is Completing My Life, Making It Whole”: The Blogging Journey of Julie Yip-Williams”
I started reading an excerpt from her blog and felt like someone’s hand was tightly squeezing my heart and throat. I thought I might break down in tears but the feeling just froze in place like I was holding my breath. I kept reading like a voracious animal that hadn’t eaten in days, wanting to understand her full journey from her perspective, hoping that it would help me to understand my own.
Just the title alone, I could relate to. Finding out you have cancer, whether it is the non-aggressive kind that I have which is said to move at a snail’s pace for most or the aggressive stage 4 colon cancer that this person had, really does complete your life in a way that would make most people wonder. It’s not exactly what people would shout joyously from the rooftops if cancer was a person. “You complete me!” is reserved for unrealistic romance movies not true life lessons.
Well, it completes your life like this. You never know if the cancer will be conquered by intense medical treatment, powerful prayer & the provision of God or if God will allow it to take it’s course teaching you a lot along the way and preparing you to meet Him face to face. It completes you because you do so much soul searching and leaning into God. You don’t put off things that God has been telling you to do anymore. You make time to do it because you understand that life is but a vapor. You could literally be here one day and not the next. You think about what kind of legacy you want to leave behind; how you want people to remember you. You want people to know that you love them and that you’re happy for their happiness; that you didn’t forget them. It completes you because you start to appreciate things differently instead of constantly rushing passed and somehow through that, you live fully. You take the time to smell the roses. And, I take the time to thank God for everything like the mountains after an energizing hike and a waterfall that mysteriously woke me up with it’s beauty and the way my daughter’s face lit up when she saw her completed birthday cake saying softly, “Wow, that’s really cool, Mom..”
Even though I don’t always feel good, in a lot of ways I live life more completely than people who criticize so much around them because I’m busy filling up my life with serving God and working on accomplishing things that will teach my daughter how important it is to do your best with fervor. To show her how important it is to fight your hardest out of love for your luvs. God gives me the drive to push when I’m tired but also reminds me to rest when it’s time to rest. Depending on Him so much, completes me. When I’m chasing love, I can learn the lessons God wants to teach me because I’m searching with everything in me.
You should read what Julie Yip-Williams had to say. She said it much better, being in the thick of it. https://julieyipwilliams.wordpress.com/2017/10/16/complete/
My own journey is really different than hers, of course. I’m in stage 1A of Cutaneous T-cell Lymphoma and the majority of people diagnosed with CTCL live just as long as anyone else. I’m basically living with a chronic disease like other people that don’t have the word lymphoma in the name of their ailment. The word scares me and I’d like to give it away to a trash can but at the same time it’s forced me to make better choices and to lean into God even more. Experiencing His presence and that closeness is living life to the fullest.
The exhaustion is hard and so are the nights when the itchy skin is unbearable. I wish I could shed my skin & grow new healthy skin along with a healthy lymphatic system. I hate going to work so lethargic and not remembering things as quickly as I want to. I can get moody and sometimes I just want to be alone so people won’t think I’m an airhead or a grump. I am learning perseverance on a deeper level & trusting God to get me through, though. I know God is with me even when I’m too tired to smile and I don’t feel like I’m radiating his light like I want to. I’m more whole because I’m not neglecting my soul for things that don’t give me everlasting life.
I hope this blog post helps someone to feel a little less alone and to realize that even when a family member or friend is going through the biggest trial of their life, they can also be moving through the best parts of their life because God is completing them and if they’re a believer, they are likely feeling a connection with God that is quite beautiful & reassuring beyond words.